- I have eaten Chipotle for at least one meal a day for 5 days straight.
- One of my coworkers pinched my stomach and told me I’m getting fat
- Ten minutes later he asked me if I’ve even stepped into a gym this month
- I have also eaten a lot of ice cream this week
- I have a pasta bread bowl from dominos that is being delivered shortly.
All in all, I need to get back on track. So I’m going to go to the grocery store this week and SERIOUSLY buying groceries for the first time in probably 2 months, and then eat healthy all week next week. One day at a time. TBH, it’s really easy to make unhealthy decisions when I’m alone.
I am constantly reminded that everyone I follow is so stinkin cute it’s ridiculous and I always have face/hair jealousy when I see yalls selfies on my dash.
Okay. I’ve been trying to do this post since I got tagged this weekend but the app kept eating every attempt I tried. Anyway, now I’m on the desktop so here we go. The 6 selfie challenge! Even though I posted two that weren’t selfies. I DO WHAT I WANT.
I’m really flattered to have been tagged by a lady who I think is really strong and beautiful. Thank you myfittestchristine! I’m going to tag ekv-fitness and snarkmachine because you ladies are the best. I love you guys.
1) I love my really weird hair color (Failed attempt at Manic Panic dyes) and tiny pigtails and the attempted make up experiment. I was going for the Ever After at the ball look. I think I look really awesome.
2) I snapped this on my way out the door. I wanted to show my grandma that I bought that green hat. She got it for Christmas and I immediately went to Target and bought one for myself. It also turned out to be a wonderful shot of the labradorite plugs my then boyfriend, now husband gave me for our first Christmas. It’s a rare selfie where I seriously took one, looked at it, said “that’s perfect” and left it at that.
3) I was trying to get a picture of the guinea pig that was at my feet but didn’t realize the camera was flipped. Then once I saw the accidental picture with sun rays I took a few more until I got this one. Theeen I got a picture of either Roast Beef or Raymond Q. Smuckles. I honestly can’t even remember which one was outside. I look so happy. I love it.
4) Not a selfie. It’s a wonderful photo the photographer got of me on my wedding day. It’d be better if I were smiling but I still love it and look amazing.
5) My husband and I after participating in St. Baldrick’s. Our team, which was us and our friend snarkmachine, raised over $400 and got our heads shaved for childhood cancer research. I am fucking fierce with a bald head. LOOK AT ME.
6) The others are in chronological order, this one is not. It belongs between two and three. Again, not a selfie, but I can’t even tell you how fucking god damn amazing I felt. I’m self conscious about everything and I had everything on display at Wicked Faire. I HAD NO PANTS ON. And was wearing Metalocalpyse underwear. I fucking rocked that shit. I never felt more empowered.
OKay so you’re a SUPER FIERCE cutie patootie.
I don’t break down sobbing, barely able to move every time the song One Last Time by Kelly Pickler comes on my Pandora
A year of progress(?).
1st picture was taken on August 8th 2013.
The 2nd picture was take at the end of October 2013, not quite my lowest weight/measurements (that was towards the end of November 2013).
The 3rd picture is from this past weekend, July 19th 2014.
I’m not really sure what to make of it, tbh. There’s a difference, but I don’t know what kind. I think I’m more toned, but I haven’t really lost any inches or pounds compared to a year ago.
I know weight doesn’t mean much, but I thought measurements would be different. They have been along the way. In those middle pictures I was about 5lbs lighter than I am now, and about 6.5 inches slimmer. :\ I don’t know what happened.
I’ve been struggling all year. I saw great progress last fall, it was so motivating, and then suddenly… it just stopped. And it didn’t just stop, it started to go backwards. I’ve been fighting tooth and nail for 6 months now, desperately trying to make it stop and figure out why this is happening. But nothing works. Not changing what I eat, not changing up my workouts…
I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time now.
I had so much hope a year ago, even just six months ago. I felt strong and confident. Now I feel hopeless.
Even when I wasn’t happy with how my body looked, I could take comfort in the fact that my fitness level was still improving. My running pace was improving consistently for months… and then that stopped, too. But again, it didn’t just stop, it started to slip backwards. I can’t even match my pace from May anymore, let alone beat it. I haven’t been able to in about 6 weeks and I have NO idea why. Running feels like a struggle most days now, so much harder than it was just a couple of months ago, and I don’t know why.
And I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had such an unhealthy relationship with food. Even when I was restricting myself to 1000 calories a day or less, I never felt like this. I never even felt this tired during my workouts back then, and I never binged.
I don’t know if I’m working out too much or not enough, eating too much or not enough. Yes, I eat too much on weekends, but that’s only a recent thing. It’s almost a result of how hopeless and miserable I’ve been feeling. I let myself go and I figure, if I can’t get in shape and stay in shape anyway, even when I’m eating well, why shouldn’t I have my favorite foods?
But like I’ve been saying in my last few posts, I’ve been thinking about this a lot this past weekend. I’ve done a lot of crying and asked myself a lot of questions. And the conclusion I’ve come to is…
I can’t do this to myself anymore.
I can’t keep fighting for a body I’ve never had. Maybe I’m not capable of having it, maybe my body isn’t meant to look the way I want it to. I know that sounds like a cop out, like I’m giving up, and maybe it is. I’ve seen plenty of women my age, my height, lose weight and get in shape and stay in shape. Maybe it has nothing to do with my body not being capable of being the size and shape I wish it could me. Maybe I just don’t have the will power and dedication to live the lifestyle necessary to make it happen.
So be it.
I’m 31. I’ve spent most of my life wishing and working for my dream body and never succeeding in achieving it, at least not for more than a couple of weeks at a time. Because even when I lose a bunch of weight and/or inches, I can’t maintain it.
I’m coming to think that I’d rather not have that body if having it means I can’t eat what I love. I LOVE FOOD. I don’t care what anyone says. I love cooking, I love eating, I love the smell and the taste and the experience of food. I’m not going to eat unhealthy every day, but I want to be able to eat whatever the hell I want whenever I want to without worrying that I’m never going to be thin.
I’d rather just accept that I’m never going to be thin.
I’m going to the UK in 2 weeks. I’m going home to see my family, who I haven’t seen in 2 years. I’m excited, but I’ve been stressing about the possibility of eating unhealthy and ruining my progress. I shouldn’t be stressing about that.
I think maybe these 3 weeks away are what I need. I hope I can let go, enjoy my time with my family, and not spend all my time worrying about food and fitness.
Later this week I’m going to go through my closet and dresser and try on EVERYTHING. If it doesn’t fit, it goes to Goodwill.
Goal clothes aren’t a motivator for me. I have a gorgeous skirt I fit into for like a week 2 years ago, when I was restricting, and I loved it. And I haven’t worn it since, because every time I put it on I feel like my stomach sticks out. I’ve been holding onto it, hoping that I’ll get back to the body I had when it fit properly. But even when I was in the best shape of my life last December, it still didn’t fit. Holding onto this skirt isn’t motivating me, it’s depressing me and making me feel like a failure. It needs to go, along with everything else that only fits me on my “skinny” days. I need clothes that I can fit into any day and feel good.
I need to let go of this “dream body” I have had in my head since I was a teenager. It’s not what my body is meant to be, and I’m making myself miserable trying to achieve it. I need to focus on fitness goals rather than how my body looks, I need to figure out why the hell my running pace has gone to crap and why running suddenly feels so difficult, otherwise I’m not going to want to do it anymore.
I need to accept that this is my body, and I need to start trying to love it the way it is.
(I apologize for the length of this post. I don’t expect most of you to read it, or even skim it. If you did, thank you. <3)
I don’t know why I can never reply to your posts, but that’s okay because I have a lot to say.
I have also not been eating my best and not been training my hardest and my body has settled back into a “comfortable” zone. AND THAT’S OKAY. Your body and my body and every other body has limitations-not everyone can achieve the same fitness level or weight or body composition. I’m really beginning to realize that myself and starting to accept that it’s okay. For me, that means I’ll probably be able to stay thin, but I’ll never be as muscular as I’d like. It also means I can work up my endurance and keep working and working, but I’ll never be a marathon runner. I’m just not made for it. People talk and talk and talk about how anyone can have any body they dream but that’s just not true. I’ll never have a big ass, my thighs will always be scrawny, I’ll NEVER have visible abs.
I can’t pretend I’m totally happy with where I am now, or with the way my body looks, but I’m learning to accept it. I’m learning to work on improvements for the way it makes me feel instead of the way it makes me look. You look incredible in pictures 1, 2, and 3. You’ll look incredible if you binge for the next 3 weeks straight. You’ll come back home, get back into your routine, and you’ll be eating a nice mix of healthy and unhealthy foods. If all you can do it maintain your weight, well that’s awesome because you’re perfect. And if you gain 5 pounds or 15 pounds that’s fine, too. I feel like our bodies will always settle into what we’re supposed to be. When we eat mostly healthy and we stay active, that’s ideal and that’s when we’ll be shaped the way we’re supposed to be shaped. It may sound like I’m making excuses, but I feel like as long as I eat the way I should and keep working out then I’m doing my part and I’m not going to be embarrassed of the results of my hard work, even if they aren’t as amazing as the girl next to me.
inlikewithlife replied to your post “When I die, I expect EVERYONE to wear purple to my funeral. …”
Well, I mean, you’re not allowed to die before me so I don’t know how I can help with that.
i know i know i know but JUST IN CASE
When I die, I expect EVERYONE to wear purple to my funeral.
inlikewithlife you’re in charge of that ok
1 & 2 very recent and absolutely lovin’ my makeup! I felt amazing in the 2nd cause I looked hawt in my new maxi dress. I was feeling like “i woke up like dis”
3. This is the first time I ever held Lucy and I didn’t even know we were going to get her. She was TINY. I wanted her so bad I cried. We got her soon after obviously.
4. Ren Fest last year! Patrick and I were loving that day. I love Ren Fest so much.
5. Not a selfie but I was so incredibly happy. This was my birthday last year, IN PARIS, IN THE JULES VERNE. We had lunch there for my birthday and then took photos in our wedding attire in the streets of Paris afterwards. Best day.
6. Our 2nd day in Paris, a dream come true with the love of my life!
I should really go back and look at my pictures more often. They make me really happy!
You’re the queen of makeup. And you look SO HAPPY with Patrick that looking at pictures of ya’ll literally gives me hope.
I was tagged by MyFittestChristine for the 6 selfies, so here we are!
1. Halloween last year- I was super hot and I was Batgirl = always win
2. The only Baylor game I’ve been to- it was also really chilly and felt like football weather. We left early because it was cold and Baylor was ahead by like 50, and we wacthed movies and drank hot chocolate. It was wonderful.
3. Mr ROCKING the Beyonce shirt that my BFF bought me. Plus, she was visiting Waco finally, so it was a very happy time.
4. My first Rumble in the Pub trivia competition. We got 2nd out of the whole state. Not bad.
5. Looking effin adorbz for a friend’s wedding. I don’t get this snazzed up often.
6. With my BFF/true love of my life, Christine. It’s from a very drunk night in 2010. This is still my favorite picture of us. God damn fabulous.
I’m not good at tagging people in things. So, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want, but I do want to play along, and you are all adorable, so I can use more of your selfies on my dash. skeptikhaleesi
My best friend is so beautiful it should be illegal.
A lovely collection of photos of me since I was tagged. I really just chose random ones I had on my computer.
1. This was me on my first vacation. We went to Siesta Key FL (can’t wait to go back!). This was at one of our fav restaurants there. (July 2012)
2. Just me and hubs out to eat. I think I look pretty. And he looks pretty dang cute too. ;) (I think I have a better one of us where he’s smiling better somewhere.) (May 2014)
3. Just finished running my 2nd half marathon. Not my best race, but I think I look good in the pic. (May 2014)
4. A selfie. (July 2014)
5. Hubs and I out to eat with friends again. (June 2014)
6. Our wedding. Just like how this moment was captured. This was during some kind of prayer thing. I don’t remember. Maybe I was saying something. (I really should re-watch our wedding video…) (March 2009)
Oh my goodness you look so young in your wedding picture! I mean, obviously you were lol but you look super young.
Anonymous said: If I lose 40 pounds and I'm a 38D, will by breasts get really small or..? I've seen people on here who have had bigger boobs than me and then turn out to get like 32A
YES, your boobs will probably get smaller. They’re fat tissue and when you lose weight, you generally lose it all over. Your genetics will be a big deciding factor in where you’re going to lose weight, but you have to decide what really matters. Will losing weight make you feel more confident and comfortable in your skin? If your boobs are smaller, will you feel less feminine? It’s up to you, but for me personally, losing my boobs was not a big enough deal for me to stop losing weight, even though with weight loss came less perky tits and more loose skin.
PS thank ya’ll for the lovely words of encouragement regarding my boy situation. I know this has half turned into a woe-is-me, whine about boys blog but that’s just how I’m feeling right now. This week I’m back to the gym though so back to fitness!
I was tagged by findmeunderneath for the 6 selfies, so here we are! I like these because I’m genuinely happy in all of them.
1. Going to see my BFF and feeling confident in tiny red shorts, huge accomplishment.
2. Swimming at the pool in my apartments, around people who will probably see me again at some point in time, also kind of a big deal.
3. Sparkle bra yayay.
4. Going to see the far away boy, I was so excited.
5. After sno cones with my little love, my handsome baby.
6. With my BFF/true love of my life, Molly. By the way, you’re wonderful every fucking day.
I really really like this challenge SO I’m tagging andrea-running-lifting-living because I live for your gym selfies, runsconsin because you’re completely adorable, undressedlunch because you’re badass every day, ohhhwaffles93 because you’re just so stinkin’ pretty, dakigetsfit because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a selfie of you (but if it makes you uncomfortable I completely understand!), and inlikewithlife BECAUSE YOU’RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OKAY.
Tagged by findingahealthysoul for Six Selfies (that make you feel beautiful? IDK exactly what it is. lol).
You’re. So. Pretty. And I just saw this, so lemme catch up :)